remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize