we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
