Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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