Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
