stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
