I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
