my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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