At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
She's the barista slut.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The air was thick with penises
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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