you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
