White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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