I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
