I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
