I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
