Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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