if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The uberlube is also flammable
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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