So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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