mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
