I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
