So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I smell like Dick and happiness
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
