halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
