I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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