i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
