ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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