I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
