its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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