I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
it glows. i had to have it.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
