The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
