she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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