Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
