I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
