I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
