We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
