Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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