it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Randomize
