I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
