There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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