You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
