her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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