The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
time to smoke my breakfast
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
