The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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