I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
