My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
