My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
