Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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