I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
