Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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