If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
