new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
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