my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
