She's like a pop up book from hell.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
