Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
