I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
