Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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