It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
