My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
