You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
