I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i think my cat just said my name.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
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